Hybristophilia: Girls, We Deserve Better.

The idea of 'bad boys' as the object of sexual desire has been around for a long time. From an evolutionary perspective, it stands to reason that us girls still look for partners who are strong, tough or have a very prominent presence - and that's completely okay. 

However, 'hybristophilia' is when this attraction goes a little bit too far. 

Hybristophilia is quite simply defined as 'a sexual interest in or attraction to people that commit crimes". It can manifest in a fascination with criminality or criminal paraphernalia, and sometimes facilitation of the crimes being committed by a sexual partner [1]. 

Hybristophilia is known to appear more often in women than men, and it is the women I am going to focus on in this essay. It can present in two ways - firstly, and more commonly, passive hybristophilia, in which a person has no desire in committing the criminal activity, but finds an attraction in people that do. This can be in a relationship with a criminal or observing from afar. 

This is prevalent all over the place - for example, the way in which many prisoners have 'groupies' who send them fanmail - these people are known as 'SKGs (serial killer groupies). [2] They have also been gaining an audience on the Internet, with thousands of young girls fantasising about Ted Bundy and other famed killers - excusing their actions or expressing disbelief in them, and voicing their acceptance of them.

According to Owlcation, the women and girls in this category are often delusional. They may develop a relationship with a criminal, making excuses for their actions, and eventually feeling unusually special because though this person has done bad things, they will never do them to her. She is different, special, loved. These fantasies put the girl or woman in a position of intense vulnerability when applied to real life. 

Passive hybristophiliacs are in a position to be 'seduced, manipulated, and lied to by the people they fall for' [3]. 

The second, and thankfully less common category, are 'aggressive hybristophiliacs'. They may enable, encourage, aid or abet their lovers in the committing of crimes, sometimes even participating. This can be due to extreme delusions or vulnerability or an otherwise desperation for love, or a narcissistic attempt to feel powerful [4]. 

Both kinds of hybristophiliacs tend to end up in abusive relationships, though not much is known about the phenomenon and what causes it. Social scientists believe that childhood abuse or poor representations of healthy relationships can make a person vulnerable to these feelings, and the biological aspect mentioned at the beginning is also considered. 

In short, a girl or woman who secretly longs for protection due to psychological issues may be at risk, and that's why it is so important for this to be discussed. 

The above passages were all second-hand research and conclusions based on it - but now I am going to delve into another, also critical, form of evidence: anecdotal. 

You see, I used to be a passive hybristophiliac, too. I was fourteen when I fell into an illegal relationship with a forty-eight year old. And it did make me feel special. The concept that a man was willing to break the law for me was in my gullible little eyes proof of a love stronger than any other. 

And for more years than I could be proud of after this relationship ended, I continually sought out similar ones. I wanted to understand these men, to change them, but also; I just loved feeling so protected, and so loved. It would take me a long time to understand how toxic these relationships were.  I refused to believe that these men could be bad people, for that would mean I wasn't special at all. 

The damage done by years of unhealthy relationships can be hard to do, but for me this cycle was broken with intense self-actualisation - and a brutal reality check. 

Now to the purpose of my writing this article Girls - you deserve better. If you have low self esteem, or if you think you need to fix people...please. It will take a lot more than just reading this article to get you through a journey into healthier interpersonal relationships, but it is possible and I beg of you to try. 

And if you cannot overcome it on your own, the effective treatments found so far include psychotherapy, antidepressants, mood stabilizers and hypnosis - do not be afraid to seek that help if you think that your relationship patterns are reflecting something unhealthy within you that needs to be addressed. 

Written by Jasmine Lowen