Gaslighting: How to Recognise It

The term gaslighting has only come into the public consciousness fairly recently, but the act of gaslighting has been around since the dawn of time.

The word comes from the play Gaslight (which was subsequently made into two films 1940 in the UK and USA in 1944). The plot revolves around a husband manipulating his wife into believing she is losing her mind, and one of the techniques he uses is to make the flames in the gaslights flicker, then deny this ever happened.

Gaslighting often occurs in intimate relationships or where there is an imbalance of power, such as in the world of work, or where a minority group's lived experience is dismissed or denied. 

And it is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse, as it makes the victim question their version of events, their own feelings and experience, and gives a green light to the abuser to carry on with their behaviour.

The victim is often, although not always, female. This might be due to society's misogynistic view of women being overly emotional, too sensitive, prone to hysteria and less rational. They are also more likely to be in a situation where there is an imbalance of power. 

There are a number of gaslighting techniques, such as:

Withholding - The abuser refuses to listen, e.g. ‘I will not discuss this again’.

Countering - The abuser questions the victim’s memory of events. e.g., ‘That isn’t what happened, you're imagining things.

Blocking/Diverting - The abuser questions what the victim is saying, e.g. ‘That’s ridiculous, you are lying’

Trivialising- The abuser makes the victim’s experience seem unimportant, irrelevant, e.g. You are blowing things up out of all proportion, you are just too sensitive’.

Forgetting/Denial - The abuser forgets what has occurred or denies the event. e.g., You don’t know what you are talking about, you know what your memory is like’.

Because the abuse is insidious and sometimes covert, it can carry on unchecked, Gaslighting makes the victim constantly question themselves and second guess the decisions they make, they can feel worthless, incompetent and become anxious, depressed and isolated. 

It gives the abuser more power and control, as they can manipulate the victim into believing they are the one who is always in the wrong, i.e., if only you did not get so upset, if you did not take things so personally, you have got the wrong end of the stick again, you should be able to take a joke, and so on.

Having been on the receiving end of gaslighting, I know the damage it can do. Conversations shut down, feelings and experiences are invalidated and you question yourself and your own rationality. Am I being oversensitive, difficult, causing problems, making mountains out of molehills? Did this really happen?

It was only when I had put some space between myself and the situation and got substantiation from people I trusted, that I began to realise that it was them and not me, and their behaviour was not right. 

To escape the cycle of gaslighting is not easy, as the abuser slowly takes away the very strengths that would allow the victim to get out of their situation, i.e., questioning what is happening to them, are they actually being badly treated, if they are constantly told otherwise? Are they imagining things?

It helps if the victim can gather evidence such as voice recordings, photos, so that things cannot be denied, and get outside support from a trusted family member, friend or counsellor.

Gaslighting can be turned off, and the fact that there is more awareness will hopefully make people question more whether the situation they are in is abusive and controlling.

Written by Sue Boddy 

Source Material: 

Verywellmind.com

Britannia.com

The hotline.org